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hello dearys! Barbaric barbara 'ere! im an agony aunt & im here 2 make YOUR lives easier. whether you've fallen out of luv with doin the house work or your currently using Herbal Essances shampoo but contemplating having a fling with sunsilk, old babs is ere 2 help!
He's a pick pocket!
Dear Barabara
i'm wondering if you could help me. i am a 78yr old woman suffring from terminal MS living in a well off area called 5th avenue- you may have heard of it. i am divorced with no children, living in a 7 storey 22 bedroom mansion. my hobbies include shooting, collectin valuble antiqes, watching polo & lots of other things the other half do. i am currently conducting a romance with a luvly 19yo who is very mature 4 his age & he has proposed 2 me! we r plannin on gettin married in 2 weeks tyme & i can't w8! there is 1 problem... he is a pickpocket. he says he would never steal from me- infact, he often gets me luvly gifts such as 2nd hand rolex watches & xpensive powders which he says make you feel fantastic if you sniff it enuff. unfortunatly, my friends arn't as excited as i am. they're sayin he is only after 1 thing & that he is using me, but i think they are just jealous! there isnt any reason why he should be using me- its not like im rich or anything. please assist!
you poor, deluded individual. i agree with your friends but if he is after 1 thing then im tellin you now, it aint the sex! im assumin that your activitys in the bedroom are less exciting than a library at early closing tyme? this is becoz your pelvic floor muscles will be as tight as a deflated baloon are your age, so its obviously your money he's after & il bet my house & morgage that he's having a fling with some young whipper snapper behind your back! as for these little gifts, these are just sum of the things he picked up while 'on bizness'. he proposed 2 you on finding that your condition is terminal becoz he knows that all your inheritance will go 2 him- then he can pick the brothol of his choice & take a friend along. listen 2 your friends, dump him & find a man more your age (if theres any stil alive that arn't impotent)!
He won't marry me!
Dear Barbara
Ive been with my man for 3 weeks now, and he STILL hasnt proposed 2 me! whenever i talk about marriage he just clams up and changes the subject, which means he is having an affair. im not sure how 2 approach him about this, becoz i'm scared he will finish me & my mum likes him- this worrys me also, becoz, as i hav decided he is havin an affair, i think he maybe secretly having a fling with her. wot do you think?
you sound like a very compassionate person. at 3weeks, your relationship has hit a real mile stone & you no you want 2 spend the rest of your life with this man. get yourself pregnant by him, and he'll have no choice then, coz thats how things are done in 2days mundane society- baby 1st, marriage if you really have 2. As 4 him indulging in magical rendevouz with your mum, i think this very unlikely...tho saying this, has your mum been walking around with a big grin on her face l8ly? if your still suspicious, sit her down and ask her has she taken up any new 'hobbies' lately.
I'm feeling broody!
Dear Barbara
im an 11yo girl in a steady relationship with a 13yo boy & we've been together for 2 months. i feel ready to have a baby & he feels the same! i feel now that my SATs are over, i will have the tyme 2 look after a baby & my boyfriend says that he is willing 2 give up 2 nites a week of playing football with his mates 2 come & see the baby. i would be a very good mum as i think babies are really small & cute, i would luv 2 have somone 2 cuddle up 2 at night & luv me unconditionally. my mum would look after the baby while i woz at school so thats that sorted, tho i havn't asked her yet i know she wouldnt mind! i woz wonderin would u be able 2 advise me on ways of coping with morning sickness and wot is pre eclampsia? thanx x-o-x-o-x
Dear x-o-x-o-x you sound very determined 2 multiply! tho you sound very clued up on how 2 look after a baby & wot the arrangements would be, do you really think you are old enuff 2 have a baby? a baby is basicly a reincarnation of lucifer himself in the 1st few years its life & don't do an awful lot exept cry, scream, vomit, shit and yeowl like a cat being strangled- everythin bar cute & loving! also is it really fair 2 expect your mother who has put up with you screaming, crying, shitting, yeowling, omg-ive-started-my-period-ing, & stressin over exams which don't even count in life, 2 look after another baby & do the same all over again? your boifrend also, he sounds far 2 pre occupied with his mates 2 father a baby- the same as you! YOU should be out with YOUR mates, not muckin out a kid every other hour! wot i suggest is get a dog & get a life while your at it- your life must be very unfullfiling if all you want 2 do is breed. also DON'T tell your mother wot you are planning- your reasons will only be met with a very meaningful "don't bother coming home 2morro".
