justmyopinion

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Ok, I got it

Death is one of the few things in life that is certain to happen. it is an eventuality. an inevitability. however, it is one of the few things we do not plan- we spend more time getting ready 4 a 2week holiday than we do to die! and the scary thing is, it could happen at any moment. thousands of people die every second... and the next could be YOU. even scarier, the last thing you would'v done is be on JustMyOpinion! so, here is how i would like my funeral to be. cheery arn't i.

Jedi knight. rather that candles, i would like light saver/sabre's (does anyone actually know the actual word?) around the church. black must only be worn if you are prepared to wear a Darth Maul/Vader mask along with the black garments. no luke skywalkers please, as i will be the only one walking up to the sky and i don't want to be upstaged. why change the habit of a life time?

Fuck that, no, ACTIVISTS is what i'm having! every veggy/animal rights/ racism/religious activist that ive slagged off can come and say a few kind words. Also itd be a real treat if the racism activist could kindly explain why every single one of the anti racism clique are white- why is it that only white people moan about racism againt black people? just a thought.

I would like to be partly cremated and partly disected. if my ashes could be mixed into the cocain that some of my worst enemies snort then that would be helpful- this way, i can truly get up their noses once and for all! if the dealer is reluctant to do this, you could use some of the funds made from the signed mcnugget wrapper to pay him. i would like the remainder of my body (ie; finger and toenails, teeth, eyeballs etc etc etc) to be scatterd into a mcflurry that someone i don't like was hoping to enjoy. as for my hair? send it to the natural history museum and make sure it gets a place in the guiness book of records for being thick- same goes for my mental awareness.

If your wondering what to do with my possessions, keep what you like EXCEPT one very special item that is dear to my heart. that is my chicken mcnuggets wrapper that has been signed by the second fastest cashier in Tesco extra- put it up for bidding on eBay. all proceeds go towards the 'bring back capital punishment today' campaign.

any organs i have left can be donated for medical research- if you intend to donate my hair, donate it to one of the PETA foundations because if my hair is used, clothes manufacturers will have no reason to keep mink farms open.

Anybody who's threatened to light me over the years, its your lucky day! its obscene that you need a licence to burn people when a can of petrol and a skillfully flicked lit match can do the job just as well. don't worry, if the old bill do you for arson, hold you head up high. you know i'd approve.

It must be made of cardboard. if its gonna be burnt anyway i'm not pushing the boat out, no matter how much that darling little signed mcnugget wrapper makes. tthe ashes must be cunningly disguised if their going to be tipped into coke, so just a little see through bag will be fine.

the london eye. with a flag on top. preferably the jolly roger. not to draw attention to myself obviously. and to induce that sick and dizzy, weak and wan feeling u get with vertigo so i can finally get back at those who gave me too much of an insight on the details of their sex life. and then all funeral/party goers can get high! sorry that was bad.

dunno, but lots of them. not only will this aggravate any hay fever sufferers, it will also clear the church in a similar effect to CS gas should a wasp decide to make a guest appearence so you won't have that irritating 'sad people shuffle towards church exit faster than a snail with a broken leg' thing at the end. also, onions! if i didnt make people cry when i was alive, i'm gonna have one last pop at it in death- this is importent, do NOT let that idea go the same way as me (up in smoke).

Prayer for the stressed, any prayers ive written on here and any quotes ive upset people with over the years- all listed on here, take your pick. i may aswell cause uproar one last time. not like me to exit quietly and with dignity

'Hakuna Matata (Lion King)'- because the world will be a less worrying place now that ive gone AWOL. to be played as i am carried down the aisle by long suffering coffin bearers- atleast thats a weight off their shoulders!

'i'm not dead (by pink)'- when the prayers and all that boring shits read out. just incase anybody's in denial about who's funeral it is.

'going under (by evanessance)'- We,ell, gotta slip a bit of irony in there, init!

'There may be trouble ahead (some old guy i can't remember)'- MUST MUST MUST be played as the curtain goes around the coffin.

'YMCA' everybody must do the dance as they go out! if this isn't available, i will settle for black lace's 'agadoo'

As a mark of respect, those invited must turn up atleast half an hour late, or 3 hours too early as there's a good chance i'll be late.

Invited: The muskiteers, anyone listed on both my love and hate lists (whether its to cry over or spit on my coffin is up to you), family apart from an annoying cousin who shall remain anonymous the course of action if she attends will be: to leap from the coffin, drag her in, bang down the lid, nail it, stamp on it then say 'you all look as though youve seen a ghost!' for good measure, then escape to continue my reign on terror for eternity.

Barred: Daniel Chapman- i'll never forgive you for nicking my chair in year8.

well... its... its gorra be downside avnt it! the upstairs office has plenty of space for my loved ones (all 3 of them) and i'm sure the desk can be transformed into a bar. the bar maids would be krista, gayna, jan & liz who would wear vests exposing as much cellulite as possible (theyll be going naked then) who would then treat everybody to a tango with the jump wings. in my honour, 7 tonnes of freddo's will be installed priced at 10p each. party goes will then blatently take a handful and not pay for them, then melt the freddo's down in a polystyrene cup to conjur up the now legendary freddo melt. dance music to will be available on the yard radio vibe fm on the main yard. for party games, you must try to clear the top of the wings with a block underneath which is about 4ft3 (when i were a lass i cleared this no skin off my nose), lead a child around paying no attention to it then scream at it when it does something wrong, all sit in a circle eatting tuna paté then just randomly start cackling for no reason and, the grand finalé, wet the rubber mats (if your a horse, wet the bed) then slide down them at death defying speed untill you fall arse over tit and get suitably concussed- this way its fair to everyone, so even if you don't drink, you'll have a wikid head ache the next morning similar to a hang over. transport home will be available in the form of the downside trailer, police wagons or, if you want the real loz experience, an ambulance.

20yo Jogging bottoms preferably with a stripe down the outside of each leg. paint spatters would be appreciated. long riding boots with no quilting on the inside with the backs cut off- even if they fit you. tshirt with tacky design bought for you when you in year 5 but youv only just grown into it. huge shapeless golfers fleece that makes you look like michelle mcmanus. that goes for nicole richie also. downside people must wear the 'trendy' downside cap, to work that authentic fast food restraunt staff look. the hair, it must be volumised to lion kingesque standards, tied and straightened half heartedly. (britney spears, get down 2 your nearest wig stockist if you wish to attend). the more you look like an eastern european refugee, the better.

Piczo